Potato Tales

    Translating novels one potato at a time.

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    Changyang Prefecture, Great Tong Hall!

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    Though dusk had yet to fall, the grand hall was already filled with the merriment of music and dance. Dancers clad in gauzy veils twirled gracefully in the center, while musicians playing the pipa adjusted their tunes to match the dancers’ rhythm.

    On both sides of the hall, a host of demon generals drank and feasted heartily, each accompanied by a beautiful woman serving their pleasures.

    Seated at one of the thrones at the head of the hall, Lei Zhen lounged with his robes open, a hint of intoxication in his eyes as he thoroughly enjoyed the beauty feeding him food and wine.

    Just then, the toad demon known as Lai Zi raised his cup and stood, offering a toast to Lei Zhen from afar:
    “Emperor Lei, following you back then was truly the wisest decision I’ve made since gaining sentience!”

    “A toast to you, may you soon unify the world!”

    “Come on now, we’re all brothers here—no need for the formalities.”
    Though his words were humble, Lei Zhen beamed with joy. After clinking cups and drinking with Lai Zi, he added, “But you lot shouldn’t call me ‘Emperor Lei’. I’m just the Acting Emperor, not a true emperor.”

    “How could you not be one?!” Lai Zi slapped his thigh and stood up again. “Now that the demon race has all rallied under your banner, if you’re not our emperor, then who else qualifies to be the ruler of us demons?”

    “You’re exaggerating!” Lei Zhen waved his hand. “Isn’t the Flood Dragon Emperor still an emperor? And then there’s the Void Emperor hiding in Northern Huangtian. I wouldn’t dare put myself on the same level as those two.”

    “Bah! They’re not even worthy of standing beside you!” Lai Zi clicked his tongue. “The Flood Dragon Emperor is probably dead. It’s been twelve years and he still hasn’t shown up.”

    “As for the Void Emperor, he’s got sky-high cultivation but the tiniest courage—insisting on being some millennia-old turtle, holed up in Eternal Slumber City in deep sleep.”

    “If it weren’t for you, Emperor Lei, toiling day and night for the demon race, how would we even have this land to survive in?”

    “I propose a toast to Emperor Lei, in gratitude for all he has done for our demon kin!”

    Hearing such a round of flattery, the demon courtiers present all admired Lai Zi—muttering to themselves, “No wonder he always reaps the best rewards. That toad tongue of his really is unmatched!”

    As they all rose together to offer a toast, Lei Zhen’s face glowed with pride. But as his gaze swept the hall, his brow furrowed slightly when he noticed the identical throne beside him:
    “Why has that Emperor Tongchu vanished ever since heading to the Great Wu Prefecture?”

    “Isn’t he aware that our demon kin are still troubled by the Yan Southern Army?”

    The implication behind his words was clear. Lai Zi naturally caught the “imperial will” behind them.

    His face turned cold as he responded, “Emperor Lei, pardon me for saying something that goes against the founding ideals of our Great Great Tong Dynasty.”

    “These damned humans are utterly useless and constantly holding us back.”

    “Honestly, such an alliance is hardly worth the title.”

    “Even the Void Emperor and Flood Dragon Emperor don’t deserve to stand equal with you—let alone that mortal Emperor Tongchu.”

    “If I may suggest, why not just kill them off? Keeping them alive only wastes rations.”

    “Enough!” Lei Zhen pressed down with his hand. “That’s not something we can say lightly. Even if they’ve achieved little, their efforts count for something. Killing them outright would make us look like ungrateful traitors.”

    “Besides, they’re still useful.”

    “That Universal Temple in Four Corners Town—our mortal enemy—they won’t slaughter the people there. When the time comes, we’ll have them throw their people at the town to flatten it.”

    “And later, once I unify the world, I’ll have them build incense temples, breed more offspring to worship me.”

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    “By then, with the incense of a whole nation, not only can I step into the Great Demon Realm, but some of you may as well—and enjoy long life spans!”

    As Lei Zhen finished speaking, the hall erupted in cheers. Many demons were already wondering how to curry favor and earn the honor of being worshipped as a Great Demon…

    Half a month later, Emperor Tongchu returned with his ministers. By the time they arrived in the imperial capital Changyang, it was already late afternoon, with the fiery sunset hanging high on the horizon.

    Upon learning of Emperor Tongchu’s return, Lei Zhen immediately had a message sent, claiming there was urgent business to discuss with the human side.

    Though weary from the long journey, Emperor Tongchu said nothing and led his people directly to Great Tong Hall.

    But to their surprise, the hall was completely empty.

    They were made to wait for over an hour before Lei Zhen finally appeared with his demon courtiers in tow.

    They claimed to have been training troops and lost track of time, but judging by their reeking breath and flushed faces, it was clear they’d been out drinking somewhere…

    Emperor Tongchu yawned and said, “It’s getting late. Acting Emperor, let’s get to the point—what matter was so urgent that you summoned us?”

    “Very well,” Lei Zhen said solemnly. “I trust you remember how General You Ying’s kin and my own blood brothers were all slaughtered by the rebels of Four Corners Town.”

    “Time has passed, but we must not forget this hatred.”

    “Therefore, I propose that the human side dispatch elite cavalry to lead the charge, with the demon race in support, and we shall raze Four Corners Town!”

    “Isn’t that just sending our human soldiers to die?” one of the human ministers, a fourth-rank official named Qiu Fuyin, immediately rebuked.

    Lei Zhen, seated on the throne, scowled at the sudden interruption.

    Spurt!

    Blood burst from where the human ministers stood!

    By the time anyone reacted, Qiu Fuyin lay dead in a pool of blood. The killer, none other than Lai Zi, casually walked back to the demon side and bowed:
    “Emperor Lei, I couldn’t bear to see someone disrupt the harmony between our demon-human alliance in Great Tong Hall. I acted on impulse. Please punish me!”

    “Hmph!” Lei Zhen snorted coldly. “Though that human minister was wrong to show such disdain for the alliance and disrespect me as Acting Emperor, he did not deserve to die!”

    “Someone drag this Fire Toad out and give him eighty lashes—make an example of him!”

    Soon after, demon soldiers came forward and dragged Lai Zi away. Not long after, dull thuds and the toad’s “wails” rang out from beyond the hall.

    “My apologies, Emperor Tongchu. It was a failure in discipline,” Lei Zhen said with feigned sincerity, not giving him a chance to reply before continuing, “So then, what do you think of my earlier proposal?”

    Emperor Tongchu nodded, “The human side can dispatch thirty thousand cavalry to breach the town. But I ask that Emperor Lei send more demon generals as well. After all, that yellow weasel and sword-bearing girl aren’t foes ordinary troops can handle.”

    Hearing the other man call him “Emperor Lei” brought a wide grin to Lei Zhen’s face. He slapped his thigh and stood up, “Emperor Tongchu, you’re refreshingly straightforward! Then it’s settled. It’s getting late—we’ll adjourn for today.”

    With that, Lei Zhen and his demon courtiers turned and left without sparing the human side another glance.

    The human officials remained in place, surrounded by the stench of blood, looking demoralized.

    After a long silence, Emperor Tongchu stood and said, “Give Qiu Fuyin a proper burial. Court is adjourned…”

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